ok so i finally made a facebook again after a long time...

i don't know why i made it but i just did.  actually i do know, i was thinking about andria.

andria is a fling from a long time ago.  i call it that because i don't know what else to call it.

memory time...

she first hooked up with my roommate john.  i think she liked that he had dreads.  then i think she started to like me because i knew some music she liked and i played it off cool... at least that's what it felt like to me.  i don't know.  maybe because i didn't show any interest in her she wanted me.  but secretly i did.  it was just a game i grew up knowing how to play with girls.  so i just playing the game.  then i think she thought she had to have me, so she did.  and i fell for it because i love it when girls show interest in me, because it makes me feel important, it makes me feel like god.  so we slept together for a few months, but the relationship never really went anywhere.  we almost had sex once, but i didn't have a condom and i was really nervous and didn't know what to do so i didn't "put it in."  i don't know how she felt about that but she grabbed me and pulled me close so i couldn't really do aynthing after that even if i wanted to.  because i think my boner was going down and i was kinda in an awkward position to begin with.  i still don't know anything about sex.

but for some reason i still cn't stop thinking about her.  i think it's because its the farthest i've ever gotten with a girl.  so something in my subconscious keeps going back to her.  like in nature, since i was the closest to getting her pregnant, my mind keeps going back to her.  for survival it's like "have sex with her! impregnate her!"

and at this point i'm just looking for ways to make the thinking as smooth as possible.  i've been trying to find a girlfriend in taiwan, but it's so fucking hard.

all these girls just want to talk and then i end up at a point where i just make up an excuse in my mind for why i shouldn't pursue it.  then i get paranoid that other people are listening so i can't ask them out or anything.  like it fucking matters.  what i'm going to do right now is eat my tomatoes, finish my beer then go out and buy a pack of smokes.  maybe.

we'll see what happens.

right now i just want something that feels good.

i also decided to stop watching porn.  it's unhealthy to watch other people having sex, especially that frequently.  something about it is mentally unhealthy.  i gotta think of more natural ways to pleasure myself.  maybe in the shower.  but once in a blue moon, idk.  not so much.  because it feels like all i think about is girls and how to get laid, and that's not good.  because a person should think about a lot of things....

i also need to stop this really embarassing thing i have.  itchy anus.  my ass gets sweaty and it itches a lot, and i end up itching my butthole and the surrounding area.  i think i may have hemmroids or something really unhealthy back there.  i've done some damage i think from months of this scratchign.

i don't know if i should visit a doctor, but i probably can't in taipei.  i will have to return to the states to do that.  starting tonight i will try my hardest to resist the urge.  sometimes i wipe it with a tissue but that still doesn't help, because i just wipe too hard and sometimes blood comes out.

it's really disgusting and probably dangerous.  i think i will just maybe gently massage it with soap in the shower until it heals up.  i don't know.  it's a constant worry of mine and i really, really want it to be healed.

i tried trimming some of the hair around the area to reduce the itch.  i don't know if it helped or not.  i hope it did.

my server at the bar has really pretty eyelashes.  he also has thick glasses like me.  and yeah it's a guy. lol.

eyelashes are an underrated part of the body.  they are so thin and pretty. haha